The Body’s Secret Messages
We are made up of a Holy Trinity. We must release and heal the Trinity or face subconsciously repeating the same patterns.
Pausing as I wrote the date, “why is this date important?”
I know this date, but I didn’t know why. The date rippled unsure energy through my body.
Later that day, my phone buzzed with a note that it was a friend’s birthday, “that’s probably why today’s important.”
I sent her birthday wishes and thought nothing more about the date.
I’ve been at a loss for what to write. Going back and forth about what should be the topic for this week. I started writing a piece about my therapy experiences when it hit me… that date was a VERY important anniversary.
My body remembered the anniversary and sent a secret message to my mind. ***Warning, warning, look at this***
These secret messages swirled in the background of my mind but never fully landed, creating a funky mood with low energy.
I knew I was in a funk, but I assumed it was for a variety of reasons: my period, a cold sore, over-working, anxiety, feeling lonely, and giving into cravings.
While all those things are natural in our lives, when they happen all at once it’s a sign. My body was trying to tell me that I was subconsciously processing something big.
I allowed myself to rest, to do what was needed and nothing extra. I didn’t even think I would write.
The Anniversary
I’d spent many, many years running from my thoughts, my dreams, and my intuition.
I needed a change. What I got was a Tower Card adventure…
The universe showed me a path to take. I needed to travel. I needed to let go of the plans I thought I wanted in my future. A future others created for me.
I needed to take control of my life. To start living my life for me.
Slowly, I started to make my own decisions and state future intentions. OUT LOUD. Which was a B* slap to those who’d been creating my future plans.
Though they pretended to be happy for me, those I had trusted the most slowly started sabotaging me.
They felt I was abandoning them and that I was choosing to hurt them. They felt that I didn’t care about them any longer because I wanted something different than them.
Eventually they used their hurt feelings to show our framily what I had done to them. Making me the enemy.
“We didn’t know who you are anymore. You changed and that scares us.” Which I had. I was no longer their puppet.
My world began to fold in on itself. My sanity was on thin ice, and I had no one to turn to. I became angry and annoyed with everyone. I was drunk more often than sober and could barely sleep or eat.
April 3rd, 2019, my reality snapped. Like lightning hitting the tower.
I no longer knew what was real and what was fake.
Aimlessly I drove into the mountains with nothing but a case of White Claws. In pitch black and pouring rain.
The only communication I left was on Facebook: “The Human you know as Michelle no longer is available. It is unknown when she’ll be a human again.”
I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t feel anything, and I never wanted to return.
I was Broken
Drunk in the pouring rain, alongside a reservoir, I screamed into the dark.
“What the f*** is left?!?
What else is there?!?!
What do you want from me?!?!
I’m f***ing done…”
I felt Beings watching me, though I couldn’t see them. I wanted them to be Mountain Lions, and I hoped they’d just end me.
But it wasn’t the end. I crawled back into my car, drank the rest of the white claws while I screamed, cried, and sang until there was nothing left. Then I drove home. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE – I made it home safe without incident, but drinking and driving is not cool…
Unless it was work related, I didn’t communicate with anyone for a week. Which was enlightening… No one committed or reached out to me about what happened that night or the post.
Being the People Pleaser I was, I tried to smooth things over with everyone.
I held a private surprise birthday party for one of the saboteurs. I tried to pretend that everything was okay. But I couldn’t pretend anymore.
Everything within me was broken… I couldn’t remember how to forget or push down my feelings of what happened.
I had disappeared into the night without a trace. No one cared, no one asked what happened, or if I was okay. No one was there for me. I was the problem they didn’t want to deal with. I was in this alone.
What unfolded after was a ten-month slow burn of my comfort zone.
Everything that I’d considered safe, warm, and comfortable felt wrong, scary, and uncomfortable. At the end of the slow burn, I broke up with that life and everyone I had called my friend, family, or framily.
I was restarting my life from scratch. I moved into an RV, sober, friendless, and alone. I’d feared being alone my entire life, but that first night in the RV felt like freedom.
For the first time, I could do anything and everything that I wanted because no one knew where I was or what I was doing. AND I haven’t looked back.
The Body’s Secret Message
Breaking up with my “comfort zone” and everyone in it was the best decision I’ve made for my healing and spiritual journey. And it has not been easy.
Some days it was freeing and some days it was hell.
Mentally and spiritually I’ve healed the trauma of April 3rd and the slow burn that followed. I’ve soothed my nervous system and spiritual evolved in ways I never dreamed possible. I’ve traveled to Ireland (twice), Sedona, the Oregon Coast, and the Grand Cayon. For a short time, I even lived in Canada, Washington, and Oregon.
Yet, there are still places within my body that hold the ache, pain, and hurt of April 3rd.
When I had written April 3rd my body recoiled, knowing it was the anniversary of taking on that trauma into its bones, muscles, and organs. My body responded to the date, asking me to be aware of what it was going through.
Starting from scratch again, my body’s instincts are heightened seeing this as a similar situation to the events of April 3rd. Such as moving back into the RV (on the five-year anniversary of my first move) and that I’ve drifted apart from my closest friends.
Though my mind can decipher the difference, my body feels hopelessly alone and abandoned by all. It aches for me to hear its messages.
To my body being shipped to Idaho in 2002, starting from scratch after April 3rd, and having to return to Idaho are all the same experience. It can’t decern that I’m mentally and spiritually in a different space, so it’s doing what it can protect me. Even if that protection is hurting me physically.
My body aches to tell me:
You are “choosing” to be alone.
You need to move out of Idaho
Idaho has trapped you.
You should find a community in Idaho.
You’ll find your community out of Idaho.
Is it worth it?
Are you really making a difference?
Idaho will kill you.
Choosing Spiritual work means choosing to be alone.
Just accept that you’re not going to stop doing this work.
You’ll always be alone, like a monk. Accept it.
The trauma in my body is battling itself. It doesn’t know how to balance and respond to instincts that remember the pain, loneliness, and unworthiness to the intuition that knows it’s worth it, that there is hope and that there is purpose to it all.
Mentally and spiritually, I’ve worked through a lot of this trauma. It’s up to me to find where my body is holding onto these traumas and release them. Release the feelings that say:
I can’t trust anyone.
I’m unlovable.
Being me is too much for others.
No one truly understands me.
I’m being punished for walking my life’s purpose. *Oh snap, that unlocked something….
Whether we are conscious of it or not, healing is a continuous spiral of our personal Holy Trinity: Mind, Soul, AND Body.
The problem is that our bodies don’t know the difference between a bear attack and an argument. It only knows how to respond.
It stores these events in its bones, muscles and organs. When it feels similar events unfolding it reacts instinctually. Similar to the fight or flight response.
To stop subconsciously repeating the same patterns we must heal and fill our Bodies as we would for our Minds and Souls.
Rewriting the story from the lie our trauma created to the truth of who we are.
If you want to share some joy with me… a cup of tea always brings a smile to my face. - thank you!
