Say my Name, Say my Name...
They couldn't call me by name because I didn't have one of my own. When I found myself, my true name, my spirits' name, revealed itself... MacFinnian Aisling Fíodóir.
“Is that really your…” my assistant manager paused in thought. “I saw some paperwork, um, is Michelle really your name?” She whispered as if it was a secret.
I chuckled. “Well, it’s my legal name, the one my parents gave me. But no, it is not my name.”
Over the years (even lifetimes) I’ve been known by many names, but Michelle is the name that has perplex many… myself included.
My mother wanted a Jessica (another J name to add to her list). Thank God my father said no. No offense to the Jessicas, but I’m soooo not a Jessica. But my father named me after his sister. The name was a hand-me-down; it was never mine. My heart goes out to all the seconds, thirds and so on… *whispering* I feel you….
I spent my childhood with a name that was uncomfortable, either too small or big, and way too awkward to be mine. Preferring nicknames, I rarely used Michelle. Especially after hearing ‘Michele My Bell’ for the umptieth time. I asked people to call me Chelle, Ashley, Britany or any name they wanted but nothing seemed to stick.
So, I stopped trying, thinking the only option was to settle with Michelle.
That is, until I met my Shamanic teacher. She’d gone through a spiritual name journey to find her true name. HA, did you know that was an option?!?! I didn’t…
In the ten years of working together, she rarely addressed me by name. Finally, she admitted, “I don’t know why but I just can’t save your name as Michelle, your number is saved as Plant Reiki. That just feels better.”
That was the catalyst and permission I needed to return to my name search but this time, I’d focus on finding my true name, my spirit's name. What I didn’t know was that I was going on a deeper journey. A journey to understanding the many mysteries that I’d hidden from myself. Including that I was queer.
My true name journey proved as frustrating as it had been when I was younger. Though this time I was armed in spiritual awareness. I thought it would just come to me. It didn’t.
I’d sit in meditation, listening really hard to understand what the ancestors were calling me but all I could ever make out was ‘Mc’.
“Of course it’s Irish.” My teacher would chuckle. Following my ancestral lineage, I started to research Irish girl’s names that started with Mc. *eyeroll*…they fit as well as Jessica.
Pushing forward, anytime I’d hear new names, I’d try them out. The moment I’d introduce myself with a new name it felt uncomfortable and wrong. *cringe* I’ve never been great with names.
Then I navigated coming out to myself (which I’ll rabbit hole on later). I was introduced to the terms of Trans and Nonbinary. Terms I’d heard before, but I had never knowingly met a Trans or Nonbinary person. I didn’t know anything about it.
Eventually, I was brave enough to wander into queer spaces and gained queer community. Including many people that were Trans or Nonbinary. I learned their stories and I was in ‘awe’ at how easily they’d found their names. Some were gifted their name by family or friends but often they just knew their name. Seriously, why wasn’t it that easy for me?!?!
Then I figured it out. They knew their authentic selves. They knew their identity.
I was being inauthentic to myself, I just hadn’t explored my identity, my gender, nor my sexuality. It had been cloaked in constructs and conditionings.
‘What boxes would I check on a queer survey?’ I wondered. Clarity came. I wasn’t searching for a “girl’s name”.
Was I Trans? I always thought it’d be awesome to have penis. I have a ton of masculine (and big dick) energy. Still, being Trans didn’t feel right for me either. At the end of the day, I’d rather not have any dangly bits high or low.
I thought back to times I’d referred to myself as a woman or goddess in circles or sweat lodges. It felt as uncomfortable as my name. I’d been told I wasn’t comfortable with it because of the trauma of being a woman. Which didn’t sit right either. Was there trauma… yes. Was that the reason I was comfortable calling myself women or goddess… no.
I spiraled, understanding the many ways I’d been uncomfortable because of my ‘gender’ and ‘identity’, but conditioned to believe differently. I was losing myself and confused. Which was the permission I needed to explore if I was nonbinary or gender fluid. Ah nonbinary…I felt like Goldie Locks finding the right sized bed.
Gender fluid isn’t wrong either. I like to flow… As a Drag King I found that being referred to as Sir was very gender affirming.
To any queers reading if you’re unsure of your identity, sexually, or gender: Sometimes you just know, sometimes you must explore. NEITHER option is wrong. It’s YOUR story and no one can write it but YOU! Either way you are queer enough. Or Ken-ough teehehe…
Owning the truth of my nonbinary nature, I shortened my name to M. Being M opened me to the energies that swirled within me. I started to notice how those energies rose to the surface. It’s wild, my body language, walk and voice shift. Even my close friends can tell the difference.
A male energy, that is a “one of the boys” and my neutral zone. The jock, the builder, and the in control of my wardrobe.
A female energy, that is a spiritual worker as well as the lover, creator, and nurturer. The flirt, divine feminine, and goddess.
An energy I call ‘from the stars’ or ‘my queer’ energy, that is the healer, the mystic, the witch, the keeper of wisdom, and so much more.
Am I crazy? Some would say yes… but I wouldn’t. I don’t change as a person nor black-out. I’m fully aware of how each energy shows up. I am a triangle of energy, in the center all three energies weave together to make up my whole being. *eek* I love threes and triangles…
As I uncovered my authentic self, my queerness, and healed along my spiritual path, a clear picture began forming. My name was a representation and honoring for each energy within me.
Then help arrived!
My niece didn’t like calling me M. Being the thinker she is, she sat through a Burlesque show piecing together a better name. Then Mac was reborn. It rolled off her tongue and into my soul. Yes! That’s part of it. Mac was the name I was hearing from my ancestors.
It wasn’t long after that that a circle sister gifted me with the name Finnian and another sister gifted me Aisling.
The Irish meanings:
Mac = Son. Finnian (Male) = Light/Fair One. Aisling (female) = Vision/Dream. MacFinnian = Son of the Light/Fair One.
I had the Male and Female energy names I just needed the Queer energy name.
The Dharma teachings I follow refer to queer people as Hayamoni, Two Spirit, and Weaver Children. We come from Mother Weaver. We are her Star Children. To honor her and my queer side, I found Irish word for Weaver, Fíodóir.
All woven together, MacFinnian Aisling Fíodóir. It was music to my soul. This was my true name, my spirits’ name.
When I claimed it in ceremony for the first time, the ancestors sang joyously in celebration me finding a piece of myself.
With my name and identity, I felt whole for the first time.
After a year of using this name, I still can’t help but smile when I speak it in full or hear someone use it. It’s amusing to watch people’s faces squish in confusion when they hear Michelle, “That doesn’t fit”. And they’re right.
There are a few people that still use my ‘dead name’, but I pick my battles. Some don’t respect or honor who I am, so they don’t get the joy of my true name. Some just can’t reminder because names are hard. Hell, one can’t remember the dog’s name after six years.
Though it still feels weird sometimes to be called Michelle, I’m not ashamed of who she was. She is a part of me. She was the main character that evolved (like a Pokémon) into who I am today. I lived her life, I have her memories, pains, traumas, love, joy, and kindness. *Cue Memories from *C*A*T*S*
Will I ever legally change my name… perhaps. On the one hand, it seems like a lot of unnecessary paperwork. On the other hand, I feel a responsibility to my queer siblings to legally change it in solidarity.
Either choice I make, won’t change that… I know who I am. I will show up as who I am. I refuse to hide.
I am MacFinnian Aisling Fíodóir, a nonbinary, spiritual, authentic, queerdo. And you know you love it. *wink*
If you want to share some joy with me… a cup of tea always brings a smile to my face. - thank you!
